Homers On The Range

No matter how bad the economy is in the tank, leave it to Exxon Mobil to throw up a metaphorical middle finger to the rest of the country. I used to bitch about these obscene profits, but now I say get what you can before the thieves come in the night to take it from you. Almost $15 billion probably redistributes nicely.

A recent study shows that the people who trumpet the “green lifestyle” the loudest are also the ones who contribute the most to global warming. The same hypocrites who look down on you and me for using plastic cups and not recycling everything in our trash are also the same people who are the most likely to jump on a plane for a 3000 mile pleasure trip several times a year. The carbon emissions from such flights easily negate any “green” efforts that might take place in someones home. Usually tens of thousands of times over.

I blame this hypocrisy on Northerners. They love their pristine wooded landscapes and clean, crisp air so much that they’ll belittle anyone who dares contradict their efforts to maintain a green lifestyle. But come winter (which lasts for nine months), they’ll be damned if they’re gonna give up their multiple yearly trips to Florida, Phoenix, Vegas, Mexico, the Bahamas and the Virgin Islands.

While I’m always the first to brag about how fast the DFW area is growing, let me also be the first to point out the shortcomings of said growth. This rapid expansion of the North Texas population has led to a huge influx in the number of transplants from such bastions of detestability as California, New York, Massachusetts and the rest of the pretentious, “can’t afford to live there” states. Most of these people have taken up residence in the ever-expanding suburbs and exburbs surrounding our fair burgh.

And now their influence is starting to be felt. Jim Greenwood, a Frisco resident, was recently told by his homeowners association that he can’t park his 2007 Ford 150 in his driveway because it isn’t what they consider to be a “luxury” automobile. Mr. Greenwood faces fines for everyday he leaves the truck out in the driveway. A spokesperson from the HOA said the policy has been in place since 1989, and that if Mr. Greenwood didn’t like the policy then he could move.

This guy is in trouble for parking his pickup truck in his own driveway. In Texas.

Now I never thought I’d live to see myself write such a phrase, but I’m putting the blame for this squarely on the shoulders of the uppity yankee bastards that have flooded our towns like gulf water into the Ninth Ward. True native Texans would never fathom instituting such an asinine policy. And true natives of this area would know better than to say that such a policy has been in place since 1989. In 1989, Frisco was nothing but dirt and whorehouses. The gated communities didn’t start appearing until around 2000.

If the Beverly Hills contingent doesn’t want you in Frisco, Mr. Greenwood, we’d be glad to have you in Wylie where a little southern hospitality is still alive and well.

This is how you know something is wrong with the markets in this country. Today, Exxon Mobil announced that their second quarter profit amounted to $11.68 billion, the largest quarterly profit ever recorded. However, the value of their stock went down because it didn’t meet analysts’ expectations.

So let me get this straight: most profitable company of all time  = drop in total value of the company. Who are these f’ing analysts and why do their “expectations” get to determine so much? Especially when the outcomes completely defy common sense. Do they just sit in a room and arbitrarily get to decide what various companies have to earn to make them a solid investment for the public? And why do they get to determine how much profit is enough? Isn’t even a small profit a good thing?

My head hurts. I’m gonna go lay down now.

So the price of oil has fallen $11 per barrel in the last two days. Has anyone else ever noticed that when the price of oil goes up even a couple of bucks that the price of gas jumps up dramatically within a day or so? However, when the price tumbles, the price of gas doesn’t really move at all. If oil jumped up $11 in two days, I guarantee we’d see at least a $0.20 to $0.25 jump in gas prices overnight.

It’s just further proof that “true market forces” are really at play in the commodities market. Excuse me while I go wrangle in a couple of the pigs that keep flying by my office window.

UPDATE: Oil is now down more than $14 over the last three days. I still haven’t seen a single gas station with lower prices.

This news makes me feel like I’ve been stabbed in the soul. Last week muslim terrorists bought the Chrysler Building in New York City, and now Anheuser-Busch belongs to the Euros. I guess in the Land of Opportunity profit will always take precedence over tradition. Hey, I bet we could turn a nice profit by selling the Statue of Liberty to the Canadians. Maybe the Russians would like to purchase the Golden Gate Bridge. Or how about we sell Ground Zero to China?

Too soon? I thought so, too.

It’s stories like this that leave me in awe of the ingenunity of the human mind. Apparently, we can build a machine capable of producing never before seen elements or even black holes, but we can’t invent anything other than gasoline to make a car move. We can manipulate the very fabric of existence, but we can’t produce energy from anything other than eons-old dinosaur remains.

And that, my friends, is the definition of having the wool pulled over your eyes. It’s the oil companys’ world; we just live in it.

Like most people, I enjoy a bit of the creature from time to time. However, this guy took his love to new heights and earned himself a Darwin Award in the process. Congratulations buddy! The human race is smarter without you.